poems from days gone by

pandora

She stuffed them all in a jar

Every scream and every laugh.

Every feeling that she ever had

She stored

Preserved like plums and peaches

They soured and sweetened.

She did not know how to keep them

Or what to do with them once they had found their way out of her mouth

Her eyes

Her fingertips.

So into the jars they went

A mosaic collection

Beautiful but

Breaking open and

It's always a messy clean up on aisle 9.

Because they have to stay hidden

For if anyone knew the things she thought

If anyone heard

Those awful thoughts

Then they would know

They would know just how horrible she could be

How cruel

Thoughts that no water or rubber could erase

No forgiveness could put in place--

You cannot let the jar break.

You cannot let the jar break.

- mar 9th, 2020

---

when i am home alone

it often feels like it's impossible to stand

and so down against the floorboards i go

back pressed against the wood

the ceiling spots dance to my insanity

as the words spill forth--

confessions of sins long forgotten by my God

still haunting what's left of my conscience

i think about the conversations we once had

backs to the wood and eyes on this ceiling

where every mystery we uncovered

brought us a little closer to remembering

who we ought to be

but the damage is done

and whatever could have saved us

we found too late and too far apart.

the way things could have been--

how you would have loved it.

- apr 9th, 2020

---

telescopic eyes

Your name is beautiful

The crispness of autumn leaves

Invoked by golden hues of

Sunlight through a well-trodden path in the forest.

And in the morning I'll remember

All the things I couldn't in the night

Memories of laughter and fragrant smells

From before my time

Your telescopic eyes seeing

Further than i could

When I looked to the horizon line.

I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

It still aches, the part of me

That was once yours

The living with the memories

That I can't remember anymore.

Yellow.

I never knew if it was your favourite colour

Or if you used that cup just because

Where was it that you hid during hide and seek

That I could never find you?

Now these are questions

We can only guess the answers to.

So with telescopic eyes

Maybe when we look to the skies

We'll find them

If we look for you.

- apr 16th, 2020

---

midnight thinks

let me tell you a secret:

There is no such thing as 'silence'. Laying on your bed at midnight, the house still on your street and alone in your room, even when you pull the plug on your clock, when your laptop is cold and stoic on you desk, it's the closest you can get to silence but it is not enough. when the hum isn't physical anymore it starts in your head. ethereal ringing that might be there, might not be. when there's nothing else to think about but the nothingness, with the somethingness that we exist with. there is no silence.

but we can still rest

if we let ourselves.

- may 19th, 2020

---

driving on the highway

The trees peer over the sides

And awaiting audience

The reeds your choirs

Each dead baby pine tree

A reminder

That concrete is not dirt

- june 14th, 2020

---

in-between

My brain is stuck on in-between mode.

Like those moments of break when you go to the washroom, the anticipation of dinner when you set the table, the music you listen to when you're on your way to school, the waiting around after you put the kettle on to make a cup of tea; it's like I'm experiencing these moments and then my mind can't leave them. it's just always that, it always feels like something's about to happen, that something should happen but instead i just get this weird suspension of feeling and thought. there's a tightness in my head that isn't going away, like my jaw is aching for a yawn it refuses to open up for.

- june 19th, 2020

---

the night doesn't feel complete

It feels like missing footsteps

In the furthest reaches of the house

It feels like ideas that have reached no conclusions

it feels like eyes so heavy that they feel like bruises

But they can't seem to shut either way

As if there remains something still to be seen

One sound left to hear

As the witching hour tocks nearer and nearer

Eyes falling falling

Fingers stalling stalling

For something

For something to tell me the night is complete

- jul 3rd, 2020

---

what would it feel like

to say everything I ever wanted to say

to mean everything my heart wanted to mean

to finally break open

and still be told

that every single piece

was worth something

- aug 10, 2020

---

in offence of (sm)all talk

Your honour, I will cut to the point

Something which small talk, you see

Doesn't do a very good job of.

To be frank, I don't really care where you got your hair done

Or the gas station attendant that

accidentally undercharged you

And yet somewhere inside I do desire to know how your family is coping with stress

And what music you plan to listen to on the bus ride home tomorrow

You see, small talk can bring peace to an uncomfortable silence, and being distraught about it is what causes the tension.

For someone like me, who fights anxious thoughts

Trained to think inside of a box

Every question seems like it could drive deep

Hinging on every word that leaves our mouths is regret

On every syllable that rolls off the tongue is the proclamation 'guilty'

Because I want to know what you think of when you see the ocean

I want to know that words you say when you're stressed out

And the people you reach for when you're in need of healing

I want to know you completely and yet I know there's not enough time

So the surface is all we scratch

And often not even that

Because if I can't know everything

Then it's better to not know at all

Isn't it?

Let's keep to ourselves

Do our best to not lay a fingerprint on one another's lives

Because impressions fill with water and sand

So when the time comes to get up and leave

We'll find it hard to stand

- aug 16th, 2020

---

collision course

You there

Cowering at the foot of your bed

You there

Fear moving you to tears

Because for the first time in your life

You're realizing nothing will ever be the same.

You are on a collision course with every

person

place

problem

forecasted in your stars.

You are means to hit them all;

You are built to survive them all.

Only when you're parts go flying

Will you see what you are made of

Only when you break

Will you learn you can be salvaged

No matter the wreckage

- aug 25th, 2020

---

tunnels

Hold your breath

Count to ten and then ten and then ten

Again

Because it's a long tunnel

A long road

A long train

Ride

To get to the other side

And legend has it

That if you can hold your breath

To the end of that tunnel

You can make a wish

And that wish will come true

And I'd wish for a plane ticket

To every magical view

I'd wish for understanding

To know what other people are going through

I'd wish that poetry

Could make poverty

Not an issue

And every tear

Had a tissue.

I'd wish for rainwater

On dry lands

And sunshine

In the hurricanes

For love to meet you

On a subway train

And say

"Hey,

i don't know you yet but

I feel like I should have met you

A long time ago."

- aug 26th, 2020

---

the game

when was the last time

your name crossed my mind?

ever since it stopped echoing in my head

bars of reinforced steel

caution signs

and hazard lights

occupy the space it once reverberated.

there is no benefit

to missing you

to imagining the future

i was too afraid to pursue

the time for dreaming is over

the time for dreaming is over

we are too old now

to play games

but you're one i could never stop pulling out of the box

reading the instruction manual over and over

and regretting

and regretting

and regretting

because when I think about you

I've already lost

- sept 18th, 2020