On the other side of fear

"When fear arrives, something is about to happen."

A quote from my now favourite YA series and current fixation, Six of Crows (a review is hopefully on the way), has led me to do some thinking. Less than a month away from starting me senior year in high school, I am here trying to mask that sinking feeling in my stomach with excessive napping, youtube videos about internet scammers, re-watching old cartoons and chasing away any thought that comes through my head related to responsibilities and the future.

I'll be honest, this is not making the situation any better.

While one part of me is complaining, saying I deserve a break after summer school, that this is my last vacation of easy-going bliss and fun, I know that what I''m doing isn't going to help me in the fall. Hell, it's not even going to help my next week. My list of summer goals has a single item checked off and every time I think about something I need to do, next thing I know I'm staring at my phone screen trying to escape into Stardew Valley let's plays and internet strangers reviving bees collapsed on their patios. And while I sit hear waiting for some magical God-given purpose to come strike me down into obedient, righteous submission, I suddenly find myself thinking...what if I already have?

And what if it wasn't a lightning bolt but a seed, potted since I was child and growing ever since. Demanding care and attention, water and sunlight. Hope and appreciation. And what if all this time, I haven't been giving it any of this? What if all this time I've neglected, trampled on, and, for absolutely no reason, been fighting a flower?

Put it that way, and it seems a bit silly, don't you think?

I'm not saying we've got some kind of magnificent destiny thrust upon us since the day we are born. But everyone does come into the world with all the potential of a forest fire and the gentleness of a spring rain. We can be anything, do anything, go anywhere. It's life and we've been given that impossibly impossible chance to live one.

I believe in God and that means sometimes I'll have unrealistic hopes and expectations. Sometimes I'll be angry about cosmic forces and the whole ridiculousness of the world. Sometimes I'll be confident and wise and calm because I trust in something bigger than myself. And sometimes I'll feel like maybe I'm wrong about everything and the best thing to do is abandon ship and find my own explanations for why the Earth revolves around the sun and I'm one of the sorry sops on it.

And maybe I could make up something. But I keep coming back.

I don't do the things I want to do because I'm scared. I don't do the things I need to do because I'm scared. I don't do the things I don't want to do because...well I don't want to do them, and I don't want to them because I'm scared. I'm scared of everything, since always. A fire that would destroy my home, car accidents, chronic illness and the dark. Mistakes in pen, deadlines, dad after a busy day at work. I'm scared of being lonely, of losing my cool, of insects and heat stroke, fast moving cars and murderers. Being unintelligent, being unlikable, misunderstanding and being misunderstood. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing or starting off on the wrong foot. And every time I've been afraid, nothing happened. So that quote can't possibly be true. I hid. I ducked. I cried. I ran. Nothing happened.

Nothing ever happened.

And maybe that's because when fear arrived, I slammed the door. When fear arrived, I locked it out. And so outside my house, fear tries to find it's way in, knocking at windows and calling my name. When fear arrived, didn't take the time to understand it, and talk to it and listen to it. So now everything difficult to explain takes it's likeness and wreaks havoc outside my house and all I do it sit within it, head in my hands, rocking back and forth on the floor as they war with each other. When fear arrived, something was about to happen. When fear arrived, I stopped leaving. And so fear never did anything. Nothing ever happened. It became me-my normal. My home.

It's not a very good one.

I don't know when I'll find the strength the open the door. When I'll stop being overwhelmed by the world and start changing it. When I'll be able to say I'm doing what I'm meant to do and not have any regrets. But I'm starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, that day could be today. If all I have to do is say "OK, God, I'm ready." and suddenly everything will make sense. If I stop being afraid of what will happen if I give up what I want and get everything I need. If instead of waiting for a divine purpose I just do something. Because maybe it was the voice in my head the whole time, telling me not to give up, to do the thing I was so afraid of. And I should stop ignoring it and start listening. And maybe it'll hear me out. And maybe it'll understand. So that I can finally understand too.

On the other side of fear is an adventure. On the other side of fear is freedom. On the other side of fear are the rewards of life that we've all been dreaming about. It's where we'll finally get it if we want it enough.

So let's do it. If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting the rest of our lives. For now let's vow to try, to learn, to grow, to water our flowers. And soon enough the earth will be our garden.

- r.k.

(Note)

WOw, this took a really long time to write, probably because I kept getting distracted and didn't know where I was going most of the time. Moominvalley is an amazing show and dodie being part of its official soundtrack was my biggest wow moment of 2019. This song was featured in episode 12 "The Invisible Child" and if you can find it, I highly recommend watching it, it said a lot about how abuse and ignorance can hurt people and how we can help others by listening to them. So yeah, if you got the time, check it out! I'll give you a hint: check out moomin hunt, you may find a link somewhere to help find the episodes.

Alrighty, that's all from me. I'm gonna go start doing stuff. And hopefully finish some things too.