Contemplations

I have a really long list of things I would do if I had the motivation.

On the top of it is mostly homework/study/school stuff (which I should be doing right now but heck) but a substantial amount of the things I want to do are actually fan art and other contributions to the fanbases of some of my favourite stories. Too bad everything I produce is mediocre at best and literal trash at worst.

Somehow I need to find the motivation, something to get my blood pumping, to be a fighter and actually try. Something to use as a source of energy to actually get up and go for something. I found though that literally anything that could be used to fuel one's actions (to achieve success, popularity, to best a rival, to not be a loser), these things typically just end up with me feeling sad and even less motivated. Friends are high achievers and going for their dreams? Nice. I'll just sit behind my computer and tell my regrets and sorrows to my screen instead of to their faces. Some really obnoxious kid crosses my path and thinks their some kind of big shot? OK. I'll be pretty pissed for maybe a day or two but then the feeling just kind of fades to a "just don't be a rude jerk face and leave me alone and I'll be good." All the injustices and evils of the world are constantly at one's back? Guess the universe is an infinitely cruel and hopeless place, better lie in bed for a week and cry about nothing because yOur liFE iS fInE. sToP.

You see? I'm wondering - when did I adopt such a careless and sad view of the world? Because I'm well aware of it's beauties, they're kind of the only reason I get up in the morning, y'know?

Then it hit me:

angsty brooding anime protagonists.

Lol no. Although I'm sure it's had some kind of influence. I've felt strongly about things before but they never last long. I don't really think I could ever have been described as a very passionate or ambitious person. I wish I could though. Those kinds of people seem really cool. They're the ones that go and change the world. Not sitting here wishing someone would change theirs for them.

This is an excerpt of a story I was writing last summer. This scene was where a little boy, Micah, encounters a robot who works in a sandwich factory and whose job is to place the tomato on the bread in the production line. The kid visits a bunch of other planets and stuff too and meets characters that kind of help him learn more about life. It was a premise I was really excited about at the time but now it's just another shelved idea:

'“Not everyone likes tomato,” ITPro-51 admitted. “But I do, so it’s not all that bad. But I never have the courage to ask other people who throw them away for their tomatoes; it’s much too circuit-shorting. They might think I’m strange. I’m simply not mentally close enough with others in order to ask for their food like that.”

“It’s a shame though, all the tomato that thereby goes to waste,” Micah lamented.

“Some days I’ll feel like all my work goes to waste because of all the tomatoes one finds in the garbage. But then I’ll think of the drivers who would’ve spent hours driving those boxes chocked full of them to this here factory; I’ll think of the harvesters who plucked those ripe fruits straight up from the ground and sorted them, the good and the rotten; I’ll think of the farmers who put the seeds in the ground and watched the vines shoot up into the sky; then I think of the One who paints the sky anew every sunrise and how He rooted every seed and pushed every sprout out of the ground with His power, and I think to myself, ‘gosh darn it, they got a whole lot more right to feel wronged than I do’.”

Micah looked to the ground. He remembered the times he felt wronged, and wondered if there was a great many number of people that had an even greater reason to feel hurt in those circumstances, and on a much deeper level.

“Feeling sorry for yourself doesn’t get you through to many places,” ITPro-51 muttered, as his left limb sliced more ripe tomatoes into thin shards and his right hand fanned them out onto the passing sandwiches on the conveyor belt beneath him.

“If I feel sorry for you then,” Micah wondered, “would that change anything?”

ITPro-51 seemed to pause for a moment there, but before the delay became to great, his arms worked double the speed to make up for it. “If you really wanted it to,” he mused, “I suppose you could. But you’d have to feel awfully, awfully sorry, and not a lot of people can keep that much sorry inside of them.”'

I think about this sometimes. And I wonder if this sandwich factory robot is right.

Maybe I'll post more of this story soon. I guess if I run out of other material, which I probably will.

Is there something to learn from this? I guess: don't be like me. Know what you want out of life. Follow your dreams. Don't let anyone think they can know you and your life better than you - cause you're the one who's gotta live the damn thing.

Fight for what you want. Be loud and outspoken. Be more afraid of the life that charts itself than the life you chart for yourself if you only put in the effort to make it what you want it to be.

Man, life is so weird and confusing. I wonder if it all gets explained in the end. But I guess the biggest thing to remember is that even if it sucks, life is a hecking good gift. We didn't ask for it but alas, here we are. Out of all the places and times we could have ended up.

Whelp, better do my math homework before I flunk out of eleventh grade.

Ciao!

#alittlebitofrandom