"...I will give you rest."

when you fall so behind in something

how can you possible hope to make up? to catch up? to be enough? When you know you're being ungrateful and rude and angry for no reason how do you make up for being so horrible? When you're disappointing not only yourself but the people that care about you most, how do you ever make it up to them? When everything is coming so fast how do you know what to hold on to and what to let slip past? how do you know what will stick unless you try to catch it all?

we can't know everybody. talking to people has helped me see this. Because I don't talk to many people or know the goings on of my school halls it's easy for me to have an easy going relationship with everybody. Granted, it's a surface level one and I have a difficult time finding where I fit in. But these people...they're real people. They experience the world as realistically as I and sometimes it's difficult to see that. It may be easy in my position to say that I love everybody but other people, who actually know one another, who have had far more experiences with one another, who actually know each other...I can't possible know what that's like. I've been living my life in a way that only lets very select people past a certain boundary and even now as I try to every so slightly expand the max. elevator capacity I seem to be breaking down.

I haven't been at a very good place recently. I've been neglecting so many responsibilities. I've been angry and shouting at people who care about me. I've been developing negative opinions about people I should love. I've been trying to put the blame on a whole assortment of other things, I've desired to feel what it was like for my life to really fall apart, I wanted, crazy enough, to make a permanent mistake and have to deal with the consequences - deal with the punishment.

Why?

I don't know.

And yet here I am, still stressed about homework, beyond enraged with myself for the mistakes and the laziness of a hundred yesterdays and still unable to do a thing about. Here I am, pretending to not care, wanting to not care and still I end up caring, still I end up unfulfilled and angry and not knowing why. I wanted to blame it on the way I was raised, I wanted to blame it on my own inability to talk to people and make lots of friends, I wanted to blame it on the unreasonably high standards I put on myself in the past that now I cannot even attain a fraction of. I wanted to blame it on my indecision, on how my parents think they know what I want to be when I grow up when I don't even know that. I want to blame my lack of motivation on my having no idea what this is all for in the end. I want to blame the fact that I have no idea where I'm going once I'm out of high school and no matter how much I want to be over and done with it, leaving it seems so impossible that it feels like this is all it'll ever be forever.

I want to know what I should be.

I want to know what I'm supposed to do.

Because if it's all my choice then I'll never make the right one.

I just want a goal to look forward to, something that I want to do, something I could be content doing for the rest of my life and it terrifies me that right now I'm slamming shut so many doors just because of my own idiocy. Keep your options open, they all tell me, but...if I told you what I really wanted to do, would they even listen? I can't even know if that's what I really want because I need to keep my options open but what if it's just so damn hard to keep so many doors open at once, huh? What if I want them to close? What if I just want to know already?

I know I'm young. I know I still have the whole rest of my life to figure it out. I know I have time that I'm taking for granted and a lot of people wish they were in my position but. This feeling has just been eating at me, sapping my energy, making me feel so shitty and worthless and unable to do anything that I just, I just snap. I can't take it anymore. I shut down. It just feels like I'm making every mistake and there's nothing I can do to make it better and everything I continue to do makes it worse.

I'm stepping out of a week of disaster and into a week that has the potential to be even more so. I'm terrified and angry still and have so many unresolved agendas and lists that I just don't know how to get to worrying about because they're all just at the forefront of my mind sitting there, worrying about each other and I feel so out of control and swept into the thick of it all. A huge, heavily weighted biology project that has barely started starts to weigh the same as a club promotional poster, which becomes as pressing as a math unit test which equals a gym membership cancellation. And I know it shouldn't be this difficult to sort out priorities, that's literally the first thing they teach you, but sometimes they just sit there for so long I can't help but think they're all one big problem that has no solution.

And then I'm too scared to ask for help. Because no one can see the giant mega monster I've created but me. No one will be able to defeat it. It's too big. Too intimidating. Too out of control. And then all I can do is sleep while it just gets bigger and bigger and bigger, a weight around my neck.

Well, that's how I spent my Saturday.

I don't want it to go on like this. I know I have problems. And maybe I'm oversimplifying it by thinking they all have the same solution: don't be dumb and pull yourself together. Evidently, it hasn't been working. Evidently, it's just made me feel worse. And that's not a solution.

It's easy to let things slip by, to pile up, to become this looming monster. Wow, writing about this has really helped me see it for what it is and making so obvious the solutions I need to pursue. This has kind of just become some kind of weird online diary but I hope that's not too strange...I hope someone can learn from these experiences no matter how messed up and fragmented and get out of them too.

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30

God, the almighty, all powerful God, made a promise to me.

Who am I to doubt?

#alittlebitofrandom