Shave and a Haircut...

It's currently 2:06 AM and I still haven't started studying for a biology unit test I have later today but I ended up spending the last half hour re-reading some of my old posts and felt a weird sense of...something or another.

I'm sitting in a dark house with a two glowsticks beside my hands and a peony-scented candle reaching its last legs. It's quite cozy and not nearly as cold as it could be. Daylight savings hit me HARD this year but then I remembered that because the clocks are sent forward, at a later time of day it's still bright out, the sun's still in the sky. And every year I remember how much I love those days, sitting in my room, the warmest golden colours filling my room and feeling so at peace with everything. There really are two sides to every coin.

Man, I used to post SO often like...wow. And I can't really believe I started this in 2015? Like holy canollis that was a long time ago! Its weird that the second page of posts throws you back to January of last year, I'm so ashamed of how much I've slacked off...

But well, I guess I got a bit iffy about what kinds of posts I should be making? Because I always tried to turn my experiences around into something to learn from, finding the good side to the less than kind things that happen in our lives. Some of them got really random like "feeling like a banana" and weird chestnut themed anime dreams. But others were actually quite sweet and it almost felt like me from the past was actually sending this stuff out into the internet to give future me a little bit of encouragement. And it's working?

Specifically posts like Windows and Mirrors (I should really restart Sermon Notes huh?), and The Storyteller. A note on birthdays too. Is it nonsensical to be jealous of your past self? I feel like I'm always doing that, feeling like I was a better person, a better writer, more disciplined in the past. Cause of that whole mantra that goes "you should only strive to be better than who you were yesterday"? Like I feel like I'm completely not doing that, which is only making me feel worse as time goes on. But I suppose that I could be wrong. I'm doing things today that are better than before. I have gained confidence in some aspects. I have grown to love more people and I am dealing with frustration slightly better than I used to. Seeing my past self whine about unfinished math homework I'm just thinking "Oh you have no idea what's coming. You think you're behind there? That's nothing". But well, back then it was something to be completely terrified of. Today you've got other things to be terrified of. And you can't really compare terrors across time OK cause it always ALWAYS feels better once it's finally over and done with.

I feel like I should care more about my grades. I've been doubtful and afraid. I've been angry and confused. And I'll feel all these things in the future too but right now it's so tough and so real and feels insurmountable. But you do surmount it. "This too shall pass", the most melancholy but most hopeful thing I've heard and have kept ever since I did.

I have a bunch of ideas for future posts now, but I'm afraid that I'll end up forgetting about them one way or another. I'll just follow up with one of them and hope that I find the motivation to keep at it tomorrow. Also, c'mon self you don't have to write posts in one night you can work on them over time and thus make a better product that you're proud of so you'll want to do this more often? Sometimes you have to trick yourself.

So there's this song:

I heard it for the first time autumn last year and kind of fell in love. I was sort of confused as to how to think of it because I'm not completely sure the songwriters are Christian? But the lyrics were so crafty and warm and direct and cliche but not? And tell such a messy story, not that the tale is poorly written but that just the thing it is describing is something very real and life-like. It's about a mother and father (Earth and Time) who fall in love and kind of fool around I suppose and two children are given to them, Fire and Wind. And they're a kind of all over the place, motley gang. Earth and Time don't know how to be parents, and they're finding it difficult to teach these kids that are their own persons and are trying to figure themselves out in a world that hasn't really figured out anything yet if it's Earth and Time that are just as confused.

I showed the song to my sister and she was intrigued but then admitted she didn't really get what was going on (I probably should have given her the lyrics.) Her lack of interest kind of put me off the song, and I heard it a couple times more on playlist before kind of forgetting about it.

This song is so bittersweet. It feels like a campfire-legend-myth fusion and it's so charming that way? And I've heard it before, God's unconditional love for us that cost the life of Jesus, his Son. But hearing it put this way:

Then Time and Earth fell on their knees

And prayed "Dear, God, oh can't you see?

The Fire's too hot, the Wind's too cold

And loving them is gonna kill us both."

Then God reached out and took their hands

Dried their tears and smiled and said

"That's kind of what it's like up here for me

Yeah loving them will cost you everything."

I'm not a parent, I've never really found it difficult to love someone I am supposed to love. I don't have the experience to relate to a story like this and yet at the same time I do? I'm a daughter, and I've made mistakes. I know that I am a grievance to my parents but not to the extent that they'd call out to God and say "Yeah, this child of ours is gonna be the death of us."

Yeah loving them will cost you everything.

And though we don't hear the rest of the story, it's assumed that Earth and Time eventually "fell in line" and figured things out. But before that, they're family was super messy, super confused, super hopeless. Super broken.

And I guess everyone has felt like that before. Nothing is ever perfect. The concept of perfection is so weird. And kind of a tangent but I've been wondering recently, is harmony 'perfection'? Because it sounds nice but what about it is perfect? Is there something with the distance between the notes that make a harmony perfect? What defines perfect anyways? OK end of tangent.

Well yeah. I think I might try to pick it up on guitar cause the chords actually look pretty easy.

But not now...cause it's 2:45 and I should really start studying.

Oh yeah and if you're wondering about the title, I did get a haircut. My longer hair was very dead and very limp and tangly so I wanted to be rid of it. I also changed the hair part so it was kind of weird (my mom said that the middle part looked weirder so I dunno but she's usually right so I trust that).

And just for completionists' sake:

...two bits.

G'night. Stay saltful.

#alittlebitofrandom #musically